YouTube Fear

YouTube Fear. Do you have it, have you had it, why. what is it?

YouTube Fear, or YouPhobia, as I call it is the fear that you will put your podcast up on YouTube and you are, too old, ugly, fat, stupid sounding, useless, insert silly reasons you don’t YouTube here. Why? Because, it’s us, you, yourself and at the heart of it, if you don’t love yourself  YouTube can be a harsh place.  A place of idiot teens, and pre-teens and teen-type adults making comments about you, who you are, judgement that drives you away from posting to YouTube.

Why am I writing about it, guess? Can’t? BECAUSE I’M FREAKING SCARED TO VLOG!!!!! Why? Pick a reason, any reason and I can justify it enough to not podcast. The problem is, I am a homebound mom. I mean, I have kids who need me here and respite care is not something we qualify for.

In case you have never heard of me, don’t know me, don’t care, until now, I have five children. They all are either ADHD, or on the Autism Spectrum. More than half are adopted. It’s not like I had kids with issues and kept having them, hoping for the perfect child. There is no such thing as a perfect child and a perfect child would not fit into this crazed existence of ours, and come out okay.

As it is, I got number one to eighteen, with a lot of help from my husband and we are 1/5th of the way there. He is growing into a fine young man. There are four more, but I suspect they will be okay. I just have one that the school calls me about once a week, or so, because he cannot handle the stimulus and moving him to a school where he could handle it, is turning out to be very difficult. The school thinks it’s a matter of forcing him to work. The problem is his anxiety is eating him alive. Knit nights, conversations with adults and life happens from the confines of my home, in case they call. On the weekends, I like to be with my husband and he is home. I could probably get out more, but I work here and my happy place is in this house. Going out, even with a cell phone, makes me worry that the day I am enjoying my freedom, the school will call. Why? It’s always the day I have to drop what I am doing and the school calls.  I’ve tried not telling anyone I’m going anywhere, but my son has a way of sussing that out through the magic of…I don’t know how he does it. If I go to the grocery store, he has to come home. Should the school handle it? Yes, but again, they have him in the wrong school and classroom. This son needs a more closed class so he can focus without fear of someone criticising him. The school blabs on about least restrictive environment, but in his case, he wants a classroom he can come and go from, going to regular classes when he wants to, and staying in a small class when he wants to be part of a small class. One of our children is in such a school and it really is what the other one wants and honestly, needs. We are almost drained of this fight. We do not hold the belief our children are special snowflakes. However, meeting their needs, without spoiling does not a special snowflake make. It’s just what he wants and it would benefit everyone in the house. Especially my son, husband and myself.

My answer? YouTube. It’s been years since I’ve posted there, but I am decent on camera, have good lighting and video cam and am ready. I’ve gained weight. I’m older. I…insert fears here. Silly fear, fear that just makes no sense. I’ve got it.

Why is it so silly? One of the fastest growing audiences on YouTube are moms who are in their forties and fifties. Children who are teens. Women who are who I market to, talk to, and have befriended. I watch people like me. I knit and the community has a lot of podcasts, but I have wanted to do one for years now. Many years. I dye yarn. YouTube was my go-to marketing strategy. So, why am I so darn scared to make and upload? I don’t know. I have a voice. It’s not about sales, that comes at the end. It’s about connection.

So, this weekend I’m getting over it, moving on and making my podcast. I have an intro, finished work and no excuses, except the ones I create for myself. This is my way of reaching out to anyone who wants what I make and who loves fiber-crafts. I’m over being scared of being old, fat and boring. I’m older, heavier, but never, ever boring. I have a point of view that includes many fibery pursuits and it’s time I shared them.

I know some people still check on me. Hold me to this. Let’s get this party started, because I am done with being a recluse who worries about her boys all the time. We will work with the school and what happens, will happen. We will get through this. I will move on. I’m over being someone who hides. I’m not proud, I just miss talking to adults. I love teens and cats, but cats and teens don’t have much to say to a mom-type. Adventure awaits. I’m girding my loins and reaching out. I may make a fool of myself, but honestly, I do that a lot. Who cares? It’s entertaining and gives me joy. I need more joy. We all do.